The Adventures of Puck and Blaine
by TrickForTreat
Summary: Or The Story Of The Time Puck And Blaine Stole – no, bought! – a Goat For Lauren.
1. That Time Puck & Blaine Stole A Goat

This little tidbit was inspired by my RP's shenanigans a while back. I have no regrets. Props to my best friend for being awesome and proofreading for me. She's amazing.

**Disclaimer:** I'm trying, but it's not mine yet. My mug collection has expanded substantially, though.

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><p><strong>The Story Of The Time Puck And Blaine Stole – no, bought! – a Goat For Lauren<strong>

It was almost that time of the year – Lauren's birthday – and Puck had no idea what to get her.

Well he'd _had_ no idea what to get her. But that had all changed when they'd been sitting in her bedroom on the internet, idly scrolling through pages and pages of nonsense. Puck had zoned out for a little while, until he felt Lauren slapping his arm excitedly.  
>"Puckerman! Can I have a mountain goat?"<p>

Which brought him to his current position – some bum ass farm in the middle of whoop whoop, beside a muddy field full of browsing and sleeping goats, illuminated by the headlights of his truck. His original destination had been the nearest Tiffany and Co. store to buy Lauren a necklace or a ring, so he'd dragged his best friend along, since he apparently lacked class and finesse (but what did the hobbit know, anyway?). Along the way, they'd passed a farm and allons-y, they soon found themselves ankle-deep in sludge, inspecting farm animals.  
>"So which one?" Puck asked, climbing up onto the fence and sitting on it. Blaine rolled his eyes, leaning against the fence and looking out over the darkened field.<br>"Uh, none?" He replied sardonically. Puck rolled his eyes at Blaine's attitude.  
>"Loosen up, dude, it's just a goat!" He cried, tapping his feet against the post and casting a glance at the animals. "Now help me pick one, so we can get the heck out of here." With a disapproving sigh, Blaine ducked under the fence and stumbled into the muddy paddock. Why did he do things he did for this idiot, anyway?<p>

Knowing that he'd cop it from Puck if he didn't at least try and help, Blaine surveyed the animals.  
>"That one." He shrugged, jerking a finger towards a fat white goat that was fast asleep on the grass a few feet away. Puck snorted, shaking his head.<br>"Don't like it."  
>"It's a freaking <em>goat<em>." Blaine pointed out. "They don't look too different, goat to goat." Puckerman side-eyed him dubiously, so Blaine returned to goat scoping, swearing that one day, he'd say no to Puckerman and actually mean it.

After Puck had turned down fifteen "not right" goats, Blaine gave up. He wasn't even sure why he'd started in the first place. Exasperated, Blaine leaned against the fence again, crossing his ankles and tipping his head back. Within moments, he felt something tugging at his trousers. A rather girlish giggle left Puck as Blaine looked down to see a small, patch-covered baby goat with his trouser leg in its mouth. The goat pulled its head back almost quizzically, staring up at Blaine.

"What?" Blaine asked it. The goat rammed his leg with its tiny head, before pulling back to stare up at him again. Blaine raised an eyebrow at it, until suddenly Puckerman was leaping off of the fence and bending down to wrap his arms around the tiny animal's legs and lifting it up.

"This one it is!" He cried triumphantly, adjusting the animal – who surprisingly had no complaints at being manhandled by Puckerman – so that he was sure he wouldn't drop it. When he was sure he had a good enough grip on the surprisingly docile animal, Puckerman dug through the pocket of his hoodie, seizing a few bills and dropping them on the grass. Despite his better judgment, Blaine peered at the bills.

"Really, Puck? Thirty bucks? That's all?" He asked incredulously. What an _asshole_.  
>"What?" Puck asked innocently.<br>"You just stole their goat-" Blaine began hotly.  
>"Bought it." Puck corrected patiently.<br>"_Without their consent_. And you're only giving them thirty bucks?" Blaine cried. Puck shrugged, fixing his grip on the goat and heading for the fence. Lauren was going to _love_ this. Blaine rolled his eyes and, with a sigh at his own ridiculousness, he pulled out his wallet and dropped a handful of bills on the floor. Whatever it was that he left had to be better than thirty freaking dollars. This was a whole goat they were stealing, after all.

Blaine sludged his way through the muck and back over to the truck, where Puck was carefully placing the got inside its cab.  
>"Puckerman, what the hell are you doing?" He asked. Puck turned around, looking puzzled.<br>"Putting it in the truck?"  
>"Why couldn't you just put it in the back, then?" Blaine asked, frowning. Puck look affronted.<br>"Why would you even _say_ that?" He asked, petting the goat's head. "He's riding shotgun."  
>"Puck, it's a <em>goat<em>, it can't ride shotgun. Besides, where am I supposed to sit if it does?" Blaine pointed out.  
>"Maybe <em>you<em> should ride in the back." Puck huffed, climbing into the driver's seat. Blaine rolled his eyes at Puck's immaturity and climbed into the truck as well, gently nudging the goat into the middle of the seat between them. It laid down to get comfortable, resting its face against his thigh and chewing lazily on his jacket sleeve. When Blaine turned his eyes down to it, and it looked back up at him innocently. He decided to just let it lay there, lest he cop some sort of lecture from Puckerman.

"So are we _actually_ going to Columbus now?" He asked. Puck nodded.  
>"Of course we are, I just wanted to stop and get Lauren a goat first." He replied, as if it were obvious. Blaine nodded – of course, because it was <em>completely<em> normal to take a goat from the side of the road and give it to one's girlfriend for her birthday. He'd just momentarily forgotten, that was all. On the other side of the cab, Puck was coaxing the goat over to him, scratching between its ears and cooing at it. Blaine smirked at Puck's behaviour – oh, if the football team could see him now – and began to fiddle with the stereo. Puck's radio was notoriously crap, so it took quite some time for him to get a decent signal. When he did, he grinned – guilty pleasure music. As _I'm Just A Kid_ played, Blaine began to drum along to the beat.

"Turn off the Simple Plan." Puckerman complained. Blaine raised an eyebrow.  
>"How about no?"<br>"Bob doesn't like it, though!" Puck pointed at the small animal, currently bleating loudly.  
>"Bob?" Blaine asked, eyeing the noisy goat.<br>"It needs a name." Puck shrugged, reaching out to change the station. He finally stopped when Frank Sinatra could be heard over the speakers. Immediately, the goat stopped bleating, resting its head against Blaine's thigh.

"There." Puck declared happily, patting the goat affectionately. "Bob likes that _much_ better." Blaine rolled his eyes and focused on the road before them. It was no use to argue, he knew. In a few seconds though, Blaine felt a tug that he was quickly learning to associate with a goat chewing on his clothes. Sure enough, when he looked down, the goat was chewing happily on the thin material of his shirt, staring out the window at the passing trees.

"I wish it would stop doing that." Blaine huffed, attempting to swat it away. Puck glared at him indignantly.  
>"He likes you. He's just saying hello!" He told Blaine, wrapping an arm around the goat. He leaned down to scratch its chin, cooing. "Aren't you, Bob? You're just saying hello to the big meanie because you're a nice goatie, aren't you? Lauren's gonna <em>love<em> you!"  
>"Puck, you need to stop. You're crazy." Blaine shook his head disbelievingly. Puck looked up, confused.<br>"What?"  
>"You're cooing at a goat. Do you not see why that might be considered even the slightest bit odd?" He asked. Puck shook his head, scratching the goat's chin lazily.<br>"Bob seems to like it."  
>"He's a goat!" Blaine cried, once more astounded at his companion's idiocy. Then, of its own accord: "And you can't call it Bob, that's stupid."<br>"Why is it stupid?" Puck asked, clearly offended. He pulled the goat into his lap protectively, still stroking its chin.  
>"Because it's so cliché. Every man and his dog is called Bob. Call him something awesome, like Milo." Blaine grinned. Yeah, Milo sounded good. It was a better name than freaking <em>Bob<em>.

Puckerman obviously didn't think so, as he'd begun to cover the goat's ears as best he could. He was damn lucky they were driving on an empty highway and not intercity traffic.  
>"No way! That makes him sound like lard ass or something! We are <em>not<em> calling him Milo, what is wrong with you?" He demanded.  
>"Hey, I helped steal- I mean buy it! I should get to help name it!" Blaine defended, not even bothering to be surprised at the ridiculousness of their situation.<br>"Yeah? Well too late, because he's already started responding to Bob!" Puck retorted, arm wrapped around the goat that was looking between the two of them every few seconds.  
>"Maybe if you didn't coo to it like a child, it wouldn't." Blaine retorted, shaking his head. "Milo is a much better name."<br>"Milo sucks." Puck pouted, letting go of the goat's ears.  
>"Milo is a great name, isn't it, Milo?" Blaine asked the goat, reaching down to scratch between its black ears. The goat bleated happily, making Blaine grin triumphantly. Puck let his head drop heavily onto the top of the steering wheel.<br>"Not Milo." He said, his voice muffled by his arms. Blaine grinned and petted the goat – _Milo_ – as drove. They sat in silence, Puck obviously contemplating something, until Puck exclaimed loudly, scaring the shit out of Blaine in doing so.

"I've got it!" He cried. "JD!" Blaine frowned.  
>"JD?" He asked.<br>"Yeah, in honour of Jack Daniels, since I figure our alcohol habit is something we can both agree on." Puck grinned, looking pleased at himself.  
>"Alcohol habit?" Blaine asked incredulously. "You may have a habit, my friend, but I most certainly do not."<br>"Oh really?" Puck smirked. "What about that time you got drunk with Santana in your dorm at Dalton? And then that day that _we_ got drunk in your dorm at Dalton? And then that day you got drunk with Santana in your dorm before you came to Rachel's party where we made out? And then the time you-" Blaine cut Puck's tirade short.  
>"Okay, okay, we'll call it JD." He relented. When Puck smiled smugly, Blaine rolled his eyes. "It's a cute name, that's <em>it<em>. Asshole."

"You like JD." Puck teased. Blaine furrowed his brow, rolling his eyes breezily.  
>"I do not." He countered lazily, as Puck turned into the parking lot of a gas station.<br>"You so do. You like him enough to name him." The mohakwed boy continued. Blaine scoffed.  
>"As I do recall, you were the one who insisted on naming him. I simply gave me opinion on how stupid the name you'd chosen was." He pointed out, parking the car in front of the gas pump. Puck climbed out of the car quickly. Within seconds, the nozzle was in the fuel tank.<p>

"You like him, though, admit it." Puck laughed. "I don't blame you. He's pretty cute." Blaine reached out, scratching the goat between the ears. It sunk to the seat, laying its head in his lap. Puck laughed in triumph as he removed the nozzle from the tank and left to pay for their fuel. Once he was gone, Blaine looked down at the animal.

"I don't like you." He told it. As if to prove his point, he stopped his absent scratching. It looked up at him lazily. "I don't!" He told it. It reached up to nip at his jacket sleeve, and Blaine got the message – _keep scratching, asshole_. He obliged, sighing. "Okay, fine, I do, but you can't tell Puckerman, got it? Or else no more scratches for you, JD." The goat just ignored him in favour of seizing the hem of his shirt and chewing lazily.  
>"JD," Blaine remarked, detaching his shirt from JD's mouth. "You need to stop doing that, or else we're gonna have some issues." The goat bleated and laid its head the other way, as if waiting for Puck's return. When Puck finally did return, a bag of Skittles hanging from his mouth, the goat lifted its head and bleated.<br>"What's that look for, hobbit?" He asked, noticing Blaine's dejected face.  
>"I told him not to chew on my shirt and he got upset with me and started giving me the silent treatment." Blaine told him, frowning.<br>"Aww, is the pouty boy hobbit upset because JD's mad at him? Aww, poor diddums." Puck cooed, pinching Blaine's cheek. "Ha. Told ya you liked him." Blaine rolled his eyes.  
>"Whatever asshole, let's just go get this stupid jewellery." He said. Puck scowled.<br>"It is not _stupid_, it's just ridiculously overpriced." He defended.  
>"Well then don't buy it! Do you really think Lauren's going to care if it's from Tiffany's or not? She's not exactly a high maintenance kind of girl." Blaine pointed out. Puck fidgeted and shrugged.<br>"Yeah, but I mean – how cool is it to say that I got my girlfriend _Tiffany's_ diamonds for her birthday? I bet Finn can't top that!" He replied with a dorky grin. Blaine rolled his eyes, but laughed. He did kind of have a point – and it probably some kind of considerable progress that Puck was willing – even _wanting_– to drive almost two hours to Columbus for a stupid trinket for his girlfriend. It wasn't until then that a thought struck Blaine.

"Hey Puck, when Lauren's birthday again?" He asked.  
>"Tomorrow." Puck replied sheepishly. "Yeah, I know, I left buying her gift <em>way<em> late."  
>"It's not that – didn't you say Lauren was going away tomorrow?" Blaine asked, having just recalled a conversation they'd had earlier that week about Blaine coming to stay with Puck for a few days while Lauren was at her aunt and uncle's farm.<br>"No, I said she was going away on the twenty sev…enth. Which is tomorrow." Puck answered, realising his mistake. "Crap!" Trust Puckerman to forget the _date_ of his girlfriend's birthday, but not the day.  
>"So does this mean you've got this goat for a week before you can give it to her?" Blaine asked. Puck shook his head.<br>"No, _we've_ got this goat for a week. You helped buy it, too, remember?" He argued. Now it was Blaine's turn to fall forward, letting his head drop onto the dash.

"Oh God, Puckerman. JD's going to be dead by the end of the week." He groaned.  
>"No he's not, I'm sure he'll be fine! How hard can it be?" Puck responded, shrugging. Blaine turned to look over at Puck.<br>"Puck, where is it meant to sleep? What's it meant to eat? What's your _mother_ going to say about having a baby goat in the house, let alone explaining _how it got there_?" He asked. Puck frowned a little, patting JD's head.  
>"Oh. I'm sure we'll come up with…something." He shrugged, giving his best friend a ridiculous grin. Blaine sighed.<br>"Oh I'm sure you will, Puck." He muttered, mentally preparing himself. It was going to be one _hell_ of a week.

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><p>If you'd like to see more or anything, feel free to say so. I'd love to. :)<p> 


	2. In Which Puck Is A GREAT Friend, Honest

**A/N: **Hi guys, I'm back! Thanks for bearing with me for the long wait - if indeed you did; it's much appreciated. This chapter is based off of a prompt from_ JCag75_. I'm sorry it's not exactly what you asked for, but it was the best I could do.

I should probably issue some warnings for this chapter, so here goes.

**Warning: **this chapter contains some somewhat in your face discussion of some of the finer details of male-male sex. So yeah, make of that what you will.

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely nothing.

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><p><strong>The One Where Puck is a Good Friend – Honest.<strong>

It was funny. Whenever he tried to think about it, Blaine could ever really place when he'd (reluctantly) become the bestest of best friends with Puckerman. Well, maybe the "bestest" was an exaggeration that Blaine in his younger years might have objected to – he didn't ever really forsee himself ending up best friends with someone that once told him that he had a face made for derping and constantly told him whenever he said "what on Earth?", it really should be "what on Middle Earth?", since everyone knows that's where hobbits come from – but still, they were pretty good friends.

They'd first been introduced by – who else? – Kurt, who'd at first been hesitant to expose his pristine new private schoolboy toy (read: friend) to "such an obscene, uncouth piece of work". Nevertheless, Kurt and Blaine had ended up at Rachel's train wreck party extravaganza. From there, they'd just sort of ended up together, whether it be because Kurt was too busy doing his hair or because Blaine was waiting outside McKinley in that dapper way of his (in the days before Blaine _finally_ transferred, much to Puck and Kurt's unbridled excitement), and Puck was ditching last period and waiting for Lauren.

They constantly taunted and teased each other, but they were always there for each other, even if it was in an unorthodox manner. They were grateful for each other, and the help they gave each other. Blaine especially.

Puck was a _wonderful_ friend to have. There were many reasons why.

For instance, Puck was an affectionate friend, who constantly showed Blaine how much he loved and appreciated his best friend. Whenever Puck saw his best friend in the halls, he felt it appropriate to run to his best friend and envelope him in a rib-crushing hug. It was awful hard not to miss his best friend during English classes, after all.

He also loved to constantly point out his favourite of Blaine's features – "hey hobbit, how's the weather down there?"

Puck also worried constantly about his friend's wellbeing. "It's a good thing you stopped using so much hair gel, hobbit. I was scared that one day you might accidentally walk into a pit of quicksand and be forced down by the weight of your rock hard hair, and I wouldn't even get to say goodbye."

Puck was also an encouraging friend, who supported Blaine in his every pursuit. For instance, when Puck managed to get word that Kurt and Blaine had planned to seal the deal and, as Katy Perry once put it, "go all the way", Puck had been there for Blaine as only he could – he'd stayed up all night on Google and compiled a few choice tips for his favourite hobbit.

The moment he'd seen them at school the next day, Puck had bounded over, a proud grin on his face.  
>"So…I hear that you two are planning on doing the nasty soon." He began. Naturally, Kurt blushed bright red and looked away, while Blaine rolled his eyes.<br>"Of course you know." He sighed.  
>"So anyway, I took the liberty of compiling a handy list of hints. Ready?" Puck asked happily, skipping merrily alongside the mortified couple. Kurt tried to leave, but was hindered by Lauren's sudden presence at his elbow. Blaine shook his head to indicate that, he didn't want to hear the asshole's spiel, but Puck ploughed ever onwards anyway.<br>"Okay, first thing you need to remember is to use lube. And a lot of it. Or else it hurts like a motherfucker. Also, fucking is like decorating – it's all in the preparation. So don't forget to prep." Puck told his best friend, completely oblivious to the stares they were getting from bystanders. Oh the slushie facials Blaine could see coming if Puck kept this up… "And do you know what a prostate is? Because if don't, get on that shit. It'll blow your freaking _mind_. Oh, and if you're ever planning on deep throating anyone, don't drink spirits beforehand or you'll gag. Try drinking orange juice instead. Take it in slowly. Remember that a reach around is everyone's best friend." Kurt choked loudly, and abandoned his boyfriend at this point, leaving him with his crazy best friend. Blaine rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
>"I hate you." He told Puck. Puck grinned.<br>"Please, you love me. I'm like Puckerman the gay sex fairy, bringing better sex for all." Puck scoffed. Blaine rolled his eyes.  
>"Shut. Up." He growled through gritted teeth. "I'm pretty positive I have this under control." Puck smirked.<br>"Are you now?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows.  
>"I am going to hit you, Puckerman." Blaine warned, before smirking thoughtfully. "You're awfully informed on gay sex though, Puckatoo."<br>"That I am, hobbit. That. I. Am." Puck sighed, wrapping an arm around Blaine's shoulders. "And it's good thing, too. You've got me to make sure your first time isn't all awkward fumbling and inexperienced touching. Playing with yourself doesn't count, you know." Blaine shuddered.  
>"This has been sufficiently awkward. Thank you." He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Puck grinned.<br>"Then my job here is done." He said, grabbing Lauren's hand and strutting away. Blaine rolled his eyes once more, before heading off in search of Kurt.

The next time Puck saw Blaine, he was humming _I'll Make A Man Out of You_. That afternoon, Puck got up and sang the same song in glee club, proclaiming loudly that they were all going to "get down to business to defeat Kurt and Blaine's virginity." Naturally, he was made to sit down after this, amidst giggles and cheers from his friends (and a few indignant glares from Rachel, who wasn't amused by Puckerman's antics – or at least pretended so, for Kurt's sake). Lauren giggled hopelessly, but nodded her approval, while Finn high-fived him. When Puck leaned down to grin at his best friend, Blaine had rolled his eyes and shook his head. Not amusing in the _slightest_. And who would ruin a Disney classic like that?

But above all, Puck knew his best friend like the back of his hand.

The next week, after he'd given Blaine enough time to pussy foot around, dodge Burt's ever-looming presence and finally just god damned _do it_, Puck approached his best friend.  
>"So – done it yet?" He asked. Blaine rolled his eyes, sighed and nodded.<br>"Yes, yes we did, idiot. Kurt and I 'did it'." He replied, making quotations in the air. Puck grinned and slapped Blaine's back.  
>"Good for you, hobbit! So – didja use any of my tips?" He asked, leering. Blaine rolled his eyes and whacked Puck over the head with his French textbook. Puck grinned. "You used them, didn't you?" Blaine walked away, refusing to entertain the fool.<p>

Yeah. There were a lot of reasons why Puck and Blaine were the bestest of best friends.

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><p><strong>AN:** ¿Te gusta? Again guys, if there's anything more you want to see or any ideas you have, feel free to send them my way. :)


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